I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
