I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
