I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
