I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
My cat gives me a boner
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
