I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
