As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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