The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
