fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
