Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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