you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
