U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
