I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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