Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize