If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
