I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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