my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
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