this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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