I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
