I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
