I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
