The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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