oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Randomize
