believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
