Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
