im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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