bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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