you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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