I CAN MOONWALK!
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
