yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
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