if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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