I got chris browned last night
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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