My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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