wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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