The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
We named our party play list daddy issues
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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