and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
