Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He passed out mid-signature
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
