Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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