I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
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