tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
