so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
