Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
