I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize