what day is it and did you see me today?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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