I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Randomize
