I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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