evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
