I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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