she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
