I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
