You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
