So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Randomize
