I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
