Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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