I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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