i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize