Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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