Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I checked into jail on foursquare
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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