I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
