My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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