I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
