I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
