Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
